I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
