I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
