woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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