A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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