I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
