I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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