found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
