she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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