Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
