Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
