hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
