Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
