everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
