from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
