Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
