so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You dont lie about slip and slides
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
