this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
