I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
