somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
