I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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