halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
