Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
