Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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