Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
do herpes really smell.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
