Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
