thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
