I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
