So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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