Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
