dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
