I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
