Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
