FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
