hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
