1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Someone signed my nipple.
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