i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Pants are for mortals
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
