I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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