I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
