I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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