I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
