I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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