If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Dear god my vagina.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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