jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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