you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
