Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
