I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
