i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
