you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
