I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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