dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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