I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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